Wednesday, September 24, 2008

3 Steps To Better Parenting

By Tera Warner

http://therawdivas.com


1 CREATE SANCTUARY IN THE HOME

“When our home is built and kept with care and attention, the Angels cannot stay away-
For food is to us what love is to angels” Shea Darian

forest walkSometimes it really feels like it is a ‘big, bad world out there’. I don’t know if I subscribe to that world-view, but what I do know is I want my home to be a refuge, a beautiful place to go to, and just BE. We all have such busy lives these days. And not everyone is on the same path trying to make the world a better place… As my son Landon said when he was 6, “People aren’t really bad, they are just lost”. WOW! That is profound. So it is and we may have experiences that are very challenging and unpleasant along the way. No matter where my family goes to visit or holiday or whatever, we always collectively sigh a relief of ‘IT’S SO GOOD TO BE HOME’ whenever we step across the threshold of our front door. It is important to think about what kind of ATMOSPHERE you wish to have and therefore must generate, inspire and protect in your home. Is the freedom to be oneself, in an atmosphere of love and acceptance important to you? Do you want your home to be a place of peace and calm and relaxation and serenity? Do you want your home to be a place of fun and excitement and adventure? Whatever flavour or color do you want the tone of the home to be, remember this- the woman sets that tone. Sorry, this is not sexist, it just happens to be something women do better than guys who are amazing at following the tone we set. In the home, we are the Coach, and the rest of the ‘team’ will get on board if you clearly hold that space. How is this done? Set up certain routines or rituals around main daily happenings-

For example:

raw boysMealtimes - do you all say grace? Who lights the dinner candle? Does everyone help prepare or set up for the meal?

Family time - does everyone partake together in a after-dinner walk around the neighbourhood, hike on weekends, enjoy ‘game night’ perhaps with invited company, etc,

Welcomings and departures - are there kisses and hugs at departures and greetings?

Bedtime - Do you all enjoy a cuddle time, story, songs, prayers?

Activities - How are television and computer time limited?

Circle time - does your family enjoy a time of sharing our talents, concerns, etc.

Is your environment nourishing and purposeful, or cluttered and draining? Our dwelling place is a sacred place and how we care for it will be reflected back to us. What are special memories you are building into the fabric of your life? How do you and your family celebrate LIVING TOGETHER?

2 SEWING THE SEEDS OF DISCIPLINE- TRUE FREEDOM WILL BE THE FRUIT
“Having rules and structure makes a child feel safe and secure and teaches self-control
 and self-reliance,” ~Dr. Laurence Steinberg

nature boysSteiner said the whole point of education and parenting is to raise ‘free individuals’. What he meant is people who are conscious, and therefore able to make choices dictated by their own hearts and souls, infused with purpose for the greater good, and not enmeshed in self-loathing and doubt, tying to be significant in outrageous and ridiculous ways, struggling without any sense of inherent value and purpose. Some people mistakenly believe ‘having to do whatever one wants whenever one wants’ is freedom. But they are short-sighted, for how can one achieve something like win a medal, or buy a sports car, or live in a beautiful mansion, or raise a loving family, or have glowing health, etc if they have never learned how to do what it takes to accomplish those achievements? One of the easiest ways we can instil in our children the freedom to be themselves, with all their potential, is to help them remain unencumbered by destructive habits. A parent handicaps a child’s freedom if they fail to provide certain disciplines and structures into daily life. For example, if a child were allowed to eat whatever she wanted, where would the ultimate freedom be when eventually she is sick, overweight, pimply, lazy and full of disgust?

Here are some vital seeds of true freedom that you may want to ensure your family has dialed in:

-Food - I have noticed that to the degree one can manage their diet is to the degree they can mange anything! If we are reckless with our diet, we are handicapping our abilities elsewhere.

-Recreation - Plan and enjoy lots of family fun and recreation together- exercise, explore, laugh and just get outside and get moving! TV and computer time are not included here. Being out in Nature is especially renewing…go climb a tree!

-Sleep - How a child is ushered into the land of dreams is really vital to how they experience their healing, sacred sleep- which of course affects their waking life. So have a regular bedtime routine which includes soothing rituals like unwinding time with story or prayers or songs, perhaps a little candlelight, and at least 1/2hour of quality time spent with you.

Btw, Exercise your authority. Parents magazine says: “Children brought up by loving but authoritative parents—those who are supportive of their children yet maintain firm limits—excel academically, develop better social skills, feel good about themselves, and are happier overall than kids whose parents are either too lenient or excessively harsh.” Perhaps as a backlash to the strict upbringing of past generations, too many parents have taken to allowing children decision making freedoms which actually do more harm than good. Giving young children under the age of 7 the choice of what to have for breakfast, what school to attend, what time to go to bed at night, etc, BURDENS a child and causes stress. The boundaries we set for our young children build into them templates of strong foundations for when they are older. ‘Clear-thinking teenagers must first experience the guidance of clear-thinking care-givers. “The fact is kids fare better with clear rules and firm consequences. Without structure, children become self-absorbed, selfish, and unhappy—and they make everyone around them miserable too.” ~Ronald Simons, Sociologist .

3 ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR FEELINGS.
Of course you probably expected me to say acknowledge your ‘child’s’ feelings…But I want to be really clear here because everything hinges on this- If we don’t do this for ourselves, it is nearly impossible know how to do this for our children. And it is absolutely vital that we do it for them because as moms we are the most important person in their whole world and they naturally want and need to share their thoughts and feelings with us. Even though children often express themselves in ways other than appropriately, it is the fact that they are letting it out that matters most. That is the one good thing that sometimes is all we have in the heat of the moment to focus on, and even direct them to focus on- thereby cleverly shifting their initial focus. We need to ‘feel it to heal it’ and the only way to ‘get passed it is to go through it’. Please if you haven’t already done so, do yourself the biggest favor ever, and get and read a copy of ‘HOW TO TALK SO KIDS WILL LISTEN AND LISTEN SO KIDS WILL TALK’ and/or ‘NON-VIOLENT COMMUNICATION’ and learn the language of compassion that you probably were never taught. I actually use moments of stress and dis-harmony as practice sessions!

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Posted by Eve at 4:49 PM